i felt bad deep inside..

Friday

4 March 2oo9

没有吴健豪的第238天

My day started off pretty well today...

But not for long, at least, not now.

I'm feeling all bad NOW.

You might see me trying to carve a smile on my 

face..

But deep down, you will never understand the feeling beneath this face of mine..

The tears that i shed..

The pain that i felt..

The loneliness deep within me..

I felt so lost...

So lost, that i could no longer sense the right directions in life...

No longer see the beautiful meaning of life...

No longer see the hopeful side of things..

No longer wise in making decisions..

No longer have the consciousness to think properly..

I even found myself dreaming alot lately..

About weird things.. 

About things that I, myself, wouldn't believe will happen..

How accurate are dreams?

How i wished life is like a dream..

When everything will be okay once we got up..

When everything happened is nothing but only a dream..

Sometimes i really do think..

Does anyone really feel how i felt?

Well, i've found people with same situations, almost..

But what i know is, they're pretty lucky to have found their supports..

Now, who do i have?

Prcatically, no one.. 

No one that i can really think of..

I'm jealous of how 2 people can come together and become close friends..

I'm jealous of people with close supportive friends, mentally...

I trust in you, God...

But, where are my brothers and sisters?

Why, why can't i have any?

I need someone to retain my faith in you..

Seriously...

Desperately..

I can't really describe how i feel..

It has always been messy since the day he walk away..

I am crying, now..

Without having a valid reason, i would say..

I can't even rationalize the reasons for my crying..

It all started with one drop of tears..

Which eventually, turns into a heaps, loads of them..

They just flow continuosly like a symphonic rhythm..

But this, in a silent way..

I can feel the pain in my heart right now..

The pain that is no longer a stranger to me..

Again, without me knowing why..

I can never explain the reasons behind my tears..

I can never describe my feelings accurately, lately..

Because I can no longer distinguish my feelings..

I wished i had a shoulder to cry on..

I wished i had an understanding friend to support me..

I wished i had a listening ear to pour out to..

I wished i had a voice to comfort me..

I wished i had a pair of welcoming arms to fall into..

I wished i had someone truthful to be there for me..

But all i have is just Devillie for me to hug..

I can feel my heart breaking further apart..

Even further between each already-shattered pieces..

I tried to fix them back like a puzzle..

Although some pieces were already missing..

I tried to glue them back like a broken vase..

Although some pieces has turn into dust..

I convinved myself that life is more than this..

But somehow, i just can't see how life should be..

I have tried doing more things in life..

But somehow, i just can't see the beautiful side of life..

I lost my love..

I lost my heart..

I lost my trust..

I lost my confidence..

I lost my sense of belongingness..

I lost my sense of direction..

I lost track of my feelings..

I lost the cheerful girl whom i use to be..

Practically, i lost my life..

I had no idea how long can i stay sane...

No idea how long can i stay strong..

No idea how long can i stay positive..

As pessimistic is creeping in..

I can feel my heart bleeding..

I can feel my tears rolling..

I can feel my hands shivering..

I can feel my voice shaking..

I can feel my soul vapourizing..

I can feel my lungs struggling hard for air..

I'm afraid to see myself collapse..

And not being able to stand up again..

I'm afraid to see my feelings fade..

And not being able to feel it again..

I'm afraid to see my eyes go blind..

And not being able to see you again..

I'm looking at the screen of my laptop.. 

Aimlessly.. Hopelessly..

Tears no longer roll down my cheeks..

My eyes are too swollen and pain to produce anymore tears..

The pain in my eyes are not actually what kills me..

The pain in my heart is the one that is tearing me apart..........

ஐAre-O-Pee-Age-Eh-End-Eye-Eeஐ

if only you could feel how i feel..